Perfect......?

I woke up after about a 5 minute nap to this song by Green Day. 

I can’t take this feeling anymore. Drain the pressure from the swelling, this sensations overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight, and everything will be alright. 

Tell me i won’t feel a thing.

Man i haven’t woke up crying in the fucking longest time. I feel to much pain inside. so much pain that i need an escape. but what am i searching for specifically? i am looking for an answer to what i have become, some sort of justification. 

I’ve lost a lot this past year. I lost someone i have defended since sophomore year, ive lost a friend who i could talk to into the night and laugh at the dumb shit we did that day. Someone who ive cried to and visa versa. 

I’ve lost a girl who i promised to be there for, who fucking made me smile when she actually tried to make me feel proud of myself. In the end i gave into what i believed and became the person i talked about. I became to worried about hurting her by having her near me that i pushed her away. 

The funny thing is it hurts to know that what i am saying is real and it fucking kills me inside whenever i hear their name. No more than that. Its the reason i cant focus when someone else calls me a friend. 

I’ve lost a part of me that i have chereished for years. Friends. the one thing that was most important in my life. 

I’ve cried a lot in my life, but for some reason this year tops it. 

as i sit here reading what i wrote a hatred comes over me, not for others, but for myself. I realized what my reactions were a little to late. 

HA I Pitied you. something i would never say to another person, but hits so deep. 

One day maybe soon i will be numb from this pain.

Kiss the demons out of my dreams. Give me a long kiss tonight, and everything will be alright.

Tell me that I wont feel a thing