Perfect......?

just writing down my feelings to the fact that my friend is dead. yesterday sucked and now today sucks more… i just have the feeling of helplessness and it wont go away

I’m about to lose my mind 
You’ve been gone for so long 
I’m running out of time 
I need a doctor 
Call me a doctor 
I need a doctor, doctor 
To bring me back to life 

I promised, i would love you forever, now that i am gone all i can leave is just a couple of messages that will never reach you. Your name is always on the front of my mind, the tip of my tongue. I will always miss you. 

 well actually fuck that catchy song cause nothing is alright. i am sick of the ocean the theme parks i am sick of waiting in line. I am sick of how miserable i am feeling and i have not the slightest idea of why i am feeling this way. Fuck! I miss high school. i miss my friends. i need new friends. i need to get to know college better. i need out. But how the fuck do i leave when i do not know where to go or how to get there 

I woke up after about a 5 minute nap to this song by Green Day. 

I can’t take this feeling anymore. Drain the pressure from the swelling, this sensations overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight, and everything will be alright. 

Tell me i won’t feel a thing.

Man i haven’t woke up crying in the fucking longest time. I feel to much pain inside. so much pain that i need an escape. but what am i searching for specifically? i am looking for an answer to what i have become, some sort of justification. 

I’ve lost a lot this past year. I lost someone i have defended since sophomore year, ive lost a friend who i could talk to into the night and laugh at the dumb shit we did that day. Someone who ive cried to and visa versa. 

I’ve lost a girl who i promised to be there for, who fucking made me smile when she actually tried to make me feel proud of myself. In the end i gave into what i believed and became the person i talked about. I became to worried about hurting her by having her near me that i pushed her away. 

The funny thing is it hurts to know that what i am saying is real and it fucking kills me inside whenever i hear their name. No more than that. Its the reason i cant focus when someone else calls me a friend. 

I’ve lost a part of me that i have chereished for years. Friends. the one thing that was most important in my life. 

I’ve cried a lot in my life, but for some reason this year tops it. 

as i sit here reading what i wrote a hatred comes over me, not for others, but for myself. I realized what my reactions were a little to late. 

HA I Pitied you. something i would never say to another person, but hits so deep. 

One day maybe soon i will be numb from this pain.

Kiss the demons out of my dreams. Give me a long kiss tonight, and everything will be alright.

Tell me that I wont feel a thing 

i had off from college, off from work, off from pretty much everyone. It was a relaxing day, and i am looking forward to another day like this. Too bad it wont happen for another 2 weeks. Oh welllll. 

Strive for it, try to be it. It is true Unattainable dreams are the best kind of dreams. So i will keep dreaming, and keep striving. because i know that even when i fail, hell i will at least be able to smile

tomorrow i hit the city with my friend Ramos and Go to My College John Jay